Selfishness & Saltwater Tears.

What’s so special about saltwater tears, exactly?

I’m a selfish person. I never realized it until a couple of weeks ago. I was talking to my beautiful friend Jennifer about something one night on the phone, and all of a sudden, it clicked. I’m incredibly selfish. Not exactly the revelation that I had wanted to walk away with from the conversation we were having, certainly not the revelation I had expected to walk away with. But God doesn’t tend to care about what I want, He would much rather deliver me with what I need. And apparently, I needed to know my selfishness.

So after I hung up the phone, I prayed that God would keep my eyes open to how selfish my heart can be, how impatient I can be.  And I went to bed, and I woke up the next day, committed to keeping a spotlight on my heart so that I was always aware of when something got in the way of the light God shines on me. 

I quickly realized that all of my fears and worries stem from selfishness. The doubt wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t afraid that my agenda wasn’t going to be met. My problem isn’t that I don’t know what God can do. I have a grasp (not a tight one, not an unshakeable one, but a grasp nonetheless) of God’s power. I know He moves mountains. I know He brings beauty in all things. Yeah, I know. But that doesn’t stop me from doubting whether He will bring beauty in certain situations in my life. I tend to think that maybe I just need to relieve Him of His duties. As if Heaven is a business and there’s a shift change right at the point of the day when it’s time to make the decisions for Olivia’s life. I start to feel like at that point, I should give God a break. I’ll hop up on that throne and I’ll take over those decisions. He doesn’t need to worry about me, I’ve got this.

Selfishness. That’s selfishness. It’s impatience, it’s doubt, and it’s an underestimation of an overwhelming God.

Which leads me to the saltwater tears. Funny that you should ask why they’re so special…

I talked to Jennifer on a Thursday night, and throughout the weekend, this idea of my selfishness just kept running through my mind. I became so aware of it, and I kept praying that He would remove it and help me to serve others in whatever way I could, especially in prayer. I decided that I was going to turn my selfishness into prayer. I made this decision on the side of a gravel road located somewhere near SR 28 in Tippecanoe County, although I have absolutely no clue where.

As I drove back to school that Sunday night, I pulled over on the first spot of road that I could find far enough away from a house that flashing hazards wouldn’t worry the owners, and I cranked my music loud. I rolled down my window so that I could feel the words, and I got out of my car, and I looked up, and I cried.

Something about NEEDTOBREATHE singing “Something Beautiful”, and the crisp late winter air, and the bare, flat Indiana cornfields that went for miles, and the stars, it was over. Those stars. Man. I hope that every one of you has had the chance to see the stars from a country sky.  If not, get on that. That’ll teach you about God.  I was just overwhelmed by His bigness. Like I said earlier, I know He’s big, and like I said earlier, I have a grasp on that. But it’s moments like the one I had on that side of the road that loosen my grip and make me question my understanding of anything. I think those are the times that God laughs at me most. He’s just sitting up there thinking, “Oh, Olivia. You thought you had me figured out. Well, you didn’t. I just threw an extra thousand stars up in the sky just to put you in your place. Nice try.”

Take this in. 

God overwhelmed me. He flooded over me like a tsunami. He whipped me around like a hurricane. And the tears streamed down my face like rain. Saltwater tears. It was no more than 23 degrees outside, and I am no scientist, so maybe my idiotic logic is completely wrong. It probably is. But it makes for a good blog title. I stood out there for 5 minutes. Crying, freezing, praising, freezing, praying, freezing…you get the gist. But none of my tears ever froze. Is it because they’re saltwater? Maybe, maybe not, but that’s not what mattered. What mattered was that God showed me how big He was through something as small as a teardrop. He created tears to not freeze. How much would it suck if I had stood out there and had a frozen stream of water running from my eyes? But I didn’t. He is big enough to create the thousands of billions of stars that I couldn’t even see, yet miniscule enough to care about my tears not freezing.

Saltwater tears. Because God is that amazing, and because with a God like that planning my life, I have nothing to worry about. He told me so…

“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out; plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” [Jeremiah 29:11, MSG]

Apparently God is okay with working a double shift. I may need the money, but I’ll let Him handle the planning of my life. He seems to be enjoying Himself at work.